News of a Chinese doctor’s claim of cloning a baby has Trump thinking. Continue reading “Trump Wants To Clone Himself Into A Baby”
Following the death of prolific cartoonist at the age of 95, the legend donated his entire estate worth $1.2 billion to the #MeToo Foundation. Continue reading “Stan Lee Donates $1.2 Billion To #MeToo”
Yale students are protesting over flowers. Yes, flowers. Some students found the roses offensive because they were placed in the Student Union without the consent of the student body.
Tiffany Flanders, sophomore, told the Yale Gazette, “I’m totally offended they would just put flowers in plain sight for everyone to see and smell. Do they not care about our feelings? Not everyone has a boyfriend or girlfriend.
“This is part of a pattern of disrespect from the school to the students. The Student Union is supposed to be a safe place, not a place where the school can come in and place flowers wherever they please. It’s our place but now I’m afraid to go there because of the roses.
“One of my friends has a very mild sensitivity to white roses and I had to witness her sneeze four times in a row. It was terrifying. Now she has to sit two chairs away so she won’t sneeze. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen happen to anyone.”
A variety of flower bouquets were placed around the student union. There were plenty of roses for Valentine’s Day. There was also an assortment of spring bouquets with anemones, carnations, and daffodils.
“They put roses in all the vases. How dare they!” said the angry Flanders. “How do they know if everyone on campus is comfortable with roses? They just assumed it’s okay to put roses wherever they damn well pleased because it was Valentine’s Day. We weren’t notified and certainly didn’t get to vote on whether roses would be placed in the student union. They didn’t even bother to ask us our opinion on roses. It’s so disrespectful.”
Yale Club For Wussies
Yale University school administrators were shocked by the student’s outrage over the placement of roses in the student center to celebrate Valentine’s Day.
Administrator Tom Bundy told the Gazette, “They are only flowers. We thought it would be nice to lighten up the room with fresh flowers during the cold winter and for Valentine’s Day. We do this every year but never had students protested over it.
“In my twenty-five years of education, never in my wildest dreams would I think students would protest over flowers simply because we didn’t ask them for permission. I’m speechless.
“I’m getting hate mail, death threats, and other unsavory threats unless we remove the flowers.”
The flowers were to be removed Tuesday anyway because of their shelf life, so they are continuing that plan.
“I can’t believe I need to apologize for this,” said Bundy. “I’m sorry for providing free roses. It just sounds funny but sure isn’t a joke.”
Yale got in trouble year’s this year for not properly censoring Halloween costumes.
President Trump spoke about Las Vegas: Continue reading ““I Coined ‘What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas’””
President Trump spoke about Las Vegas: Continue reading “Trump: “I Coined The Term ‘What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas’””
President Trump didn’t understand why he couldn’t play golf at his Mar-a-Lago estate this weekend with Hurricane Irma pounding the state.
He even threatened to fire a staffer who had the dubious task of telling the president ‘no’.
“The President doesn’t like the word ‘no’, he thinks it makes him look weak when all he wanted to do was play golf.”
“He’ll be in a bad mood all weekend now.”
A rare eclipse crossed America Monday afternoon with thousands of Trump supporters out to prove scientists wrong.
Tom Harding, 42, of South Carolina went blind after staring at the sun after scientists warned it would permanently make you blind.
“I wanted to prove the know it all scientists wrong,” said Harding. “Now I’m blind.”
He went to the hospital to find hundreds of other die-hard Trump supporters in line after occurring permanent blindness.
“It’s okay though, I can still hear Fox and my favorite conservative radio hosts.”
Another victim of the eclipse said, “Big deal, so the scientists got one right, that means the next time they’ll be wrong and I’m glad to be part of it,” as he picked out a new walking stick.
As the fallout from the Charlottesville, Virginia Alt-right Nazi demonstration continues, President Trump said, “Who knew racism could be so evil? Continue reading “Trump: “Who Knew Racism Could Be So Evil?””
Alabama is the first country to enact insane bathroom laws. You must show your birth certificate to one of thousands bathroom police in order to use the facility. Continue reading “Alabama Requires Birth Certificate To Use Public Bathroom”
One of the world’s largest volcanos sits beneath the Yellowstone Park. There have been over 700 small earthquakes in the area over the past two weeks. Yet, for some reason, President Trump won’t acknowledge a fact that geologist discovered it nearly 60 years ago. “I don’t see one. Do you see a volcano? There isn’t a volcano there,” said Trump to the stuned room of reporters.
A reporter said, “Whenever you think he can’t say anything dumber, he does.”
The question wasn’t even if a volcano exists but if he thinks the earthquakes were caused by fracking.
Climate change has not been a priority for Republicans. Continue reading “Trump: “Paris Isn’t Underwater””
President Trump was on his first foreign trip and watching Fox News when he learned of the bombing in Manchester, England at an Ariana Grande concert. The blast has now killed 22 people and wounded over 70. Continue reading “Trump: “Did You See What Happened In Ariana Grande?””
Says Spicer, “They start fires under the White House, and then they blame the fake media.”
The dumpster was said to be loaded with material in “the Russian language.”
Emergency vehicles rushed to Joe’s Steakhouse, hurrying patrons from the 15th & H Street restaurant. Within hours, the flame had spread to the White House grounds and building itself.
“I thought there must have been a bomb, maybe,” said one patron. “But then one firefighter hustles in and grabs the fire extinguisher off the wall.”
FBI were next on the scene. An investigator, who insisted on remaining anonymous, reports “a big blaze from the trumpster (sic) out back. There were papers scattered everywhere, a few cases of cassette tapes. Most of it we’re going to have to bring a translator in to deal with, but I’ve read my Tolstoy, and that sh*t was definitely going on too long and with too many details. Definitely some Ruskie bullsh*t.”
Investigators report numerous cartons of Russian-language paperwork and “more 8-tracks than a late-seventies high school reunion.”
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer responded, “I don’t know about the cassettes – do you know about the cassettes? – and there’s not much I don’t know about, there’s not much the President doesn’t know about.”
Trump corrected Spicer, saying, “I know a lot. I’m like, a smart person. But anyone starting a fire that close to nukes – did you know there’s nukes, there is nuclear missiles under the blank house, under the White House, and you want to start a fire? And you want to start a fire? That to me, that’s what Democrats do, they start fires under white houses, and then they blame the fake media.”
The White House was evacuated a few hours after the dumpster fire was extinguished. Sean Spicer was reported to have left the scene embarrassed and in tears. Regional fake news reports no casualties, but a severe spike in local hubris for sharing the story.
After a failed missile launch in North Korea last week, their leader Kim Jong-un ordered the execution of 267 rocket scientists.
Many of the rocket scientists instantly knew when the missile blew up on the launch pad that repercussions were coming to them and their families. Dozens tried to flee to China but their passports were revoked.
To be a rocket scientist in North Korea comes with perks in a country where perks are rare for any level of person outside of the royal family. Even family members have seen the wrong side of a anti-aircraft gun.
The decision also seems irrational because the country can only produce 200 scientists per year, of which, only 10 will make it to the rocket program. So the hastily move could set back the program 6-8 months.
The number 267 was estimated by determining by satellite images showing half the rocket scientist parking lot has been empty.
Outsiders are confused because the country needs all the rocket scientists they can get. The counties schools produce only 400 scientists a year.
Trump Has Diarrhea During Golf Game
Florida – President Trump had a little accident on the golf course today, and no, and wasn’t politically. After a large brunch of eggs, bacon, ham, pheasant, roast beef, elk, and a variety of sausage, Trump had a case of diarrhea while playing the 5th hole of his back nine.