News of a Chinese doctor’s claim of cloning a baby has Trump thinking. Continue reading “Trump Wants To Clone Himself Into A Baby”
A Canadian company is collecting CO2 from the atmosphere and Trump is not happy about it. Continue reading “Trump: “The Canadians Are Stealing Our CO2!””
“Those people should stop being lazy and swim to a better island. Sometimes you have to solve the problem yourself,” said Trump. “I’m a great swimmer.”
“I would have swum out of there when the storm started getting big.
“It’s not my fault.”
President Trump didn’t understand why he couldn’t play golf at his Mar-a-Lago estate this weekend with Hurricane Irma pounding the state.
He even threatened to fire a staffer who had the dubious task of telling the president ‘no’.
“The President doesn’t like the word ‘no’, he thinks it makes him look weak when all he wanted to do was play golf.”
“He’ll be in a bad mood all weekend now.”
As the fallout from the Charlottesville, Virginia Alt-right Nazi demonstration continues, President Trump said, “Who knew racism could be so evil? Continue reading “Trump: “Who Knew Racism Could Be So Evil?””
One woman said, “It was terrible. Then thousands of jerks came out of the woodwork to harass us after they were commanded to.
“It was the worst year of my life.”
Twitter didn’t take the decision lightly. It was also a turbulent time for the company, which is all the time, and they didn’t want to be seen as censoring or being unkind to its users.“If we had banned him from the service, he wouldn’t be president today.”
One of the world’s largest volcanos sits beneath the Yellowstone Park. There have been over 700 small earthquakes in the area over the past two weeks. Yet, for some reason, President Trump won’t acknowledge a fact that geologist discovered it nearly 60 years ago. “I don’t see one. Do you see a volcano? There isn’t a volcano there,” said Trump to the stuned room of reporters.
A reporter said, “Whenever you think he can’t say anything dumber, he does.”
The question wasn’t even if a volcano exists but if he thinks the earthquakes were caused by fracking.
That’s how Trump fires people. He hands them a sock and shows them the door.
Less than an hour after finishing his awkward Congressional testimony, Attorney General discovered the size five foot sock suspended from his office door.
“It took a couple hours to figure out what was happening,” said one aide. “Looking at the size of the sock, every one assumed Melania must have left it as a happy birthday gift.
“She’s had trouble finding her husbands office,” the aide clarified.
It wasn’t long before the signal became clear; Session’s efforts, declared Trump, were no longer required.
“That’s how Trump does it,” said one long-time assistance. “He fires people the way his father fired the maid. Hands them an article of clothing and expects them to find the door.”
Confusion filled the office when an extra-large pair of Fruit of the Loom briefs were found slung over Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office chair. Upon inspection, it was determined that the size did not accord with Trump’s own undergarments. Mueller has since been allowed to keep his job until adequate support for his brass balls can be found.
President Trump had diarrhea during a round of golf today after eating a “big brunch” at his New Jersey golf course. Continue reading “Trump A Big “Leaker” On The Golf Course”
The hourly rate for President Trump’s attorney is $1,500 per hour but with the taxpayers covering the cost, the law firm is billing the taxpayers $10,000 per hour, a 1500% increase. Continue reading “Trump’s Personal Lawyer Costing Taxpayers $10,000 Per Hour”
“We must defeat PARIS at all costs,” said Trump. “And we are happy to be on the side of Syria, how great is that? Continue reading “Trump and Syria Join Forces to Fight PARIS”
Climate change has not been a priority for Republicans. Continue reading “Trump: “Paris Isn’t Underwater””
A recent photoshoot with Kathy Griffin was met with harsh criticism for holding a bloody Trump head with a stern look on her face. It turns out, Trump made-up the story as Barron said, “I thought it was Ronald McDonald.”
Steve Bannon, Trump’s top political adviser, and former Breitbart editor, then wrote a story about how Barron thought the picture was real and how to distribute the propaganda.
Barron was offended that people questioned his intelligence. “I’m not dumb, I’m a New Yorker,” said Barron. “I’ve seen much, much worse things on the internet. I thought it was Ronald McDonald, which I didn’t like because I like chicken nuggets.”
The Trump administration tried to twist the situation to help Donald Trump politically, and it has worked. It hasn’t worked on Barron, “I’m already as smart as my father.”
Trump: “Kathy Griffin Is Big Meanie, A Nasty Big Meanie, Very Bigley”
“It’s very, very mean of her. No president has ever been treated so badly,” said Trump. “Why are comedians doing political comedy. They didn’t do satire or political comedy until I won an election they lost badly.”
57 million people voted for Democrat Hillary Clinton and 54 million people voted for Republican Donald Trump. Hillary won over 3 million more votes. Trump won the electoral college by roughly 75,000 votes across 5 counties in 3 different states.
Sean Spicer threw a tantrum at the media after the President refused to hold a single press conference during his recent 11-day foreign trip, the first to refuse the media request since 1913, mostly because of the First World War, after a comedian did a photo shoot. How does a 71-year-old man become offended by a photo shoot? Nobody knows but the supposed billionaire seems to be skin free.
Griffin was fired from the annual New Year’s Eve CNN program.
President Trump is on his first foreign trip as leader of the free world, he’ll also be riding free since he forgot to pack his underwear on the week-long trip that includes a speech in Saudi Arabia. There is no word if he plans to stop in France. Continue reading “Trump Forgot To Pack Underwear For First Big Foreign Trip”
Says Spicer, “They start fires under the White House, and then they blame the fake media.”
The dumpster was said to be loaded with material in “the Russian language.”
Emergency vehicles rushed to Joe’s Steakhouse, hurrying patrons from the 15th & H Street restaurant. Within hours, the flame had spread to the White House grounds and building itself.
“I thought there must have been a bomb, maybe,” said one patron. “But then one firefighter hustles in and grabs the fire extinguisher off the wall.”
FBI were next on the scene. An investigator, who insisted on remaining anonymous, reports “a big blaze from the trumpster (sic) out back. There were papers scattered everywhere, a few cases of cassette tapes. Most of it we’re going to have to bring a translator in to deal with, but I’ve read my Tolstoy, and that sh*t was definitely going on too long and with too many details. Definitely some Ruskie bullsh*t.”
Investigators report numerous cartons of Russian-language paperwork and “more 8-tracks than a late-seventies high school reunion.”
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer responded, “I don’t know about the cassettes – do you know about the cassettes? – and there’s not much I don’t know about, there’s not much the President doesn’t know about.”
Trump corrected Spicer, saying, “I know a lot. I’m like, a smart person. But anyone starting a fire that close to nukes – did you know there’s nukes, there is nuclear missiles under the blank house, under the White House, and you want to start a fire? And you want to start a fire? That to me, that’s what Democrats do, they start fires under white houses, and then they blame the fake media.”
The White House was evacuated a few hours after the dumpster fire was extinguished. Sean Spicer was reported to have left the scene embarrassed and in tears. Regional fake news reports no casualties, but a severe spike in local hubris for sharing the story.