Trump and Syria Join Forces to Fight PARIS

“We must defeat PARIS at all costs,” said Trump. “And we are happy to be on the side of Syria, how great is that? Continue reading “Trump and Syria Join Forces to Fight PARIS”

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White House Dumpster Fire Causes Nuclear Scare Among Trump Staff

Says Spicer, “They start fires under the White House, and then they blame the fake media.”

The dumpster was said to be loaded with material in “the Russian language.”

Emergency vehicles rushed to Joe’s Steakhouse, hurrying patrons from the 15th & H Street restaurant. Within hours, the flame had spread to the White House grounds and building itself.

“I thought there must have been a bomb, maybe,” said one patron. “But then one firefighter hustles in and grabs the fire extinguisher off the wall.”

FBI were next on the scene. An investigator, who insisted on remaining anonymous, reports “a big blaze from the trumpster (sic) out back. There were papers scattered everywhere, a few cases of cassette tapes. Most of it we’re going to have to bring a translator in to deal with, but I’ve read my Tolstoy, and that sh*t was definitely going on too long and with too many details. Definitely some Ruskie bullsh*t.”

Investigators report numerous cartons of Russian-language paperwork and “more 8-tracks than a late-seventies high school reunion.”

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer responded, “I don’t know about the cassettes – do you know about the cassettes? – and there’s not much I don’t know about, there’s not much the President doesn’t know about.”

Trump corrected Spicer, saying, “I know a lot. I’m like, a smart person. But anyone starting a fire that close to nukes – did you know there’s nukes, there is nuclear missiles under the blank house, under the White House, and you want to start a fire? And you want to start a fire? That to me, that’s what Democrats do, they start fires under white houses, and then they blame the fake media.”

The White House was evacuated a few hours after the dumpster fire was extinguished. Sean Spicer was reported to have left the scene embarrassed and in tears. Regional fake news reports no casualties, but a severe spike in local hubris for sharing the story.

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The Problem Isn’t Fake News. It’s Idiots With the Internet.

That’s all it takes to swing an election.

Before we continue, it is very possible Donald Trump shat his pants during a golf game. And he really did like that cake. This shit actually happened.

Now picture, please, a monkey with a wrench.

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That bone will yield as much useful information as your average Google browse.

That’s all it takes to swing an election. This guy even got a law on the floor of the Colorado house.

In 2000, 14% of seniors of seniors (those 65 or older) used the internet. By 2012, the start of Barack Obama’s last term, that number had grown to 58%.

For Barack Obama, a president elected on the backs of the young voters, the internet was to his campaign what oxygen is to an astronaut: everything.

By the time Trump left his leather chair at The Apprentice, the number of senior voters with internet access had tripled: enough to swing an election.

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“Half of them don’t know what what the internet is.”

That caption is an actual quote, by the way. It was one local’s response to an attempt at state-sponsored internet in Florida. Something Estonia has had for years. An article confirmed by simply browsing multiple sources and arriving at the Guardian.

For the majority of voters, information gathering had changed in 2012. Ted Koppel was no longer your trusted voice; you had a machine with a screen and wifi access, and with that machine came a certain kind of magic; a blank line filled by a few keystrokes, and suddenly your field of view was full of information normally available only after a six-hour visit to the local library and a mind-numbing attempt at rational thought.

Suddenly, information came from a few dozen teenagers in Macedonia.

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No, really. This place is the reason you might lose your healthcare in the next three years.

It’s understandable. Voters 65 and over preferred Trump by an 8% margin. An elderly man accustomed to pushing two buttons on his remote would embrace his internet access with the same discretion: open Google, type in his interests, and see what the world has to say. Suddenly, a headline like FBI Agent Suspected in Hillary Email Leaks Found Dead in Apparent Murder-Suicide seems plausible.

75% of American’s buy this shit.

Tell an uneducated retiree the world is crumbling, and that all he needs to do to save it is hit the polling booth for the first time in decades, and for the first time in decades, vote he will.

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He’ll save us from a world in which Dora The Explorer is our biggest problem.

75% of American’s think the Chicago Cub’s World Series ring was stolen. 75% of American’s think Donald Trump allowed a picture of his shit-soaked pants to circulate the internet without response.

75% of Americans are idiots.

75% of Americans are making a Macedonian teen’s dreams come true.

And all the while, the Irish are eating babies.