Ivanka Trump Piloted Air Force One From Europe

After a bizarre G-20 Summit where Trump seemingly signaled the decline of US power and progressiveness and an unprecedented act of having your daughter fill in with a meeting of global leaders, Ivanka Trump piloted Air Force One for several hours over the Atlantic ocean. Continue reading “Ivanka Trump Piloted Air Force One From Europe”

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Women Would Pay 4 Times More Than Men Under Republican Healthcare Bill

The new Senate released its secret healthcare bill and it has Democrats and most of America reeling from the cold heartedness. It will be a great tax cut for the rich as women will pay four times as much as men. It’s the reasoning why women would pay so much more that is really upsetting many women. Continue reading “Women Would Pay 4 Times More Than Men Under Republican Healthcare Bill”

JEFF SESSIONS FIRED: Returns to office to find Trump’s sock on door knob

That’s how Trump fires people. He hands them a sock and shows them the door.

Less than an hour after finishing his awkward Congressional testimony, Attorney General discovered the size five foot sock suspended from his office door.

“It took a couple hours to figure out what was happening,” said one aide. “Looking at the size of the sock, every one assumed Melania must have left it as a happy birthday gift.

“She’s had trouble finding her husbands office,” the aide clarified.

It wasn’t long before the signal became clear; Session’s efforts, declared Trump, were no longer required.

“That’s how Trump does it,” said one long-time assistance. “He fires people the way his father fired the maid. Hands them an article of clothing and expects them to find the door.”

Confusion filled the office when an extra-large pair of Fruit of the Loom briefs were found slung over Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office chair. Upon inspection, it was determined that the size did not accord with Trump’s own undergarments. Mueller has since been allowed to keep his job until adequate support for his brass balls can be found.

Trump Made Up Story About Barron’s Reaction To Kathy Griffin Photo

A recent photoshoot with Kathy Griffin was met with harsh criticism for holding a bloody Trump head with a stern look on her face. It turns out, Trump made-up the story as Barron said, “I thought it was Ronald McDonald.”

Steve Bannon, Trump’s top political adviser, and former Breitbart editor, then wrote a story about how Barron thought the picture was real and how to distribute the propaganda.

Barron was offended that people questioned his intelligence. “I’m not dumb, I’m a New Yorker,” said Barron. “I’ve seen much, much worse things on the internet. I thought it was Ronald McDonald, which I didn’t like because I like chicken nuggets.”

The Trump administration tried to twist the situation to help Donald Trump politically, and it has worked. It hasn’t worked on Barron, “I’m already as smart as my father.”

Trump: “Kathy Griffin Is Big Meanie, A Nasty Big Meanie, Very Bigley” 

“It’s very, very mean of her. No president has ever been treated so badly,” said Trump. “Why are comedians doing political comedy. They didn’t do satire or political comedy until I won an election they lost badly.”

57 million people voted for Democrat Hillary Clinton and 54 million people voted for Republican Donald Trump. Hillary won over 3 million more votes. Trump won the electoral college by roughly 75,000 votes across 5 counties in 3 different states.

Sean Spicer threw a tantrum at the media after the President refused to hold a single press conference during his recent 11-day foreign trip, the first to refuse the media request since 1913, mostly because of the First World War, after a comedian did a photo shoot. How does a 71-year-old man become offended by a photo shoot? Nobody knows but the supposed billionaire seems to be skin free.

Griffin was fired from the annual New Year’s Eve CNN program.

LEAKED NASA MEMO: Trump could turn Alien First Contact into Interstellar War

Trump keeps asking, “How are the alien tacos? I know you know where they cook. Taco Bell? Taco Bell is tremendous.”

And the leaks keep coming.

A memo between NASA Administrator Robert Lightfoot, Jr. and lead researcher at the SETI Institute Seth Shostack (the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) has been recovered.

In it, Lightfoot, Jr. relates how ICE agents continually parade about asking how “things are going.” Several requests have been issued for Lisa Nowak’s diaper.

Astronaut Lisa Nowak was arrested in 2007 on charges of attempted kidnapping after through several states wearing an adult diaper.

“I can hear them muttering about how that’s ‘inhuman bullshit,’ and then somebody snickers at the bullshit line. They want DNA tests. They don’t think she’s human, much less American. I keep telling them to talk to the FBI if they want that kind of evidence.

“When I tell them to talk to the FBI, they all get nervous.”

Shostack’s response was included in the leaked memo.

“I know what you mean. It’s all about how Trump is convinced we’ve made contact with extraterrestrials. He keeps sending us emails about “how are the alien tacos? I know you know where they cook. Taco Bell? It’s Taco Bell. Taco Bell is tremendous. Steve is going to come down and take a look.

“And now the ICE guys want to know where we plan on meeting them. They’ve got a whole bulletin board set up down here on extreme vetting for different planets.

“I guess Mars gets a pass. One of the immigration agents said it was red enough.”

 

White House Dumpster Fire Causes Nuclear Scare Among Trump Staff

Says Spicer, “They start fires under the White House, and then they blame the fake media.”

The dumpster was said to be loaded with material in “the Russian language.”

Emergency vehicles rushed to Joe’s Steakhouse, hurrying patrons from the 15th & H Street restaurant. Within hours, the flame had spread to the White House grounds and building itself.

“I thought there must have been a bomb, maybe,” said one patron. “But then one firefighter hustles in and grabs the fire extinguisher off the wall.”

FBI were next on the scene. An investigator, who insisted on remaining anonymous, reports “a big blaze from the trumpster (sic) out back. There were papers scattered everywhere, a few cases of cassette tapes. Most of it we’re going to have to bring a translator in to deal with, but I’ve read my Tolstoy, and that sh*t was definitely going on too long and with too many details. Definitely some Ruskie bullsh*t.”

Investigators report numerous cartons of Russian-language paperwork and “more 8-tracks than a late-seventies high school reunion.”

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer responded, “I don’t know about the cassettes – do you know about the cassettes? – and there’s not much I don’t know about, there’s not much the President doesn’t know about.”

Trump corrected Spicer, saying, “I know a lot. I’m like, a smart person. But anyone starting a fire that close to nukes – did you know there’s nukes, there is nuclear missiles under the blank house, under the White House, and you want to start a fire? And you want to start a fire? That to me, that’s what Democrats do, they start fires under white houses, and then they blame the fake media.”

The White House was evacuated a few hours after the dumpster fire was extinguished. Sean Spicer was reported to have left the scene embarrassed and in tears. Regional fake news reports no casualties, but a severe spike in local hubris for sharing the story.

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Jeff Session Creates Secret Drug Task Force

Attorney General Jeff Sessions established a secret Drug Patrol Task Force whose mission violates the constitution at every corner. The group also has a rubber stamp for any immediate warrants they want, without a judge ever hearing reasoning. Sessions says, “It’s okay because it will keep our children safe,” and that “the President approved the group.”   Continue reading “Jeff Session Creates Secret Drug Task Force”

Trump Hires Bill O’Reilly As White House Adviser

“It is terrible what the media and these women did to this great American patriot. Disgusting,” said Trump. “It total reverse racism, I mean sexism. That’s what it is and every voter knows that.” Continue reading “Trump Hires Bill O’Reilly As White House Adviser”

Kim Jong-un Executes 267 Rocket Scientists

After a failed missile launch in North Korea last week, their leader Kim Jong-un ordered the execution of 267 rocket scientists.  

Many of the rocket scientists instantly knew when the missile blew up on the launch pad that repercussions were coming to them and their families. Dozens tried to flee to China but their passports were revoked.

To be a rocket scientist in North Korea comes with perks in a country where perks are rare for any level of person outside of the royal family. Even family members have seen the wrong side of a anti-aircraft gun.

The decision also seems irrational because the country can only produce 200 scientists per year, of which, only 10 will make it to the rocket program. So the hastily move could set back the program 6-8 months.

The number 267 was estimated by determining by satellite images showing half the rocket scientist parking lot has been empty.

Outsiders are confused because the country needs all the rocket scientists they can get. The counties schools produce only 400 scientists a year.

The Problem Isn’t Fake News. It’s Idiots With the Internet.

That’s all it takes to swing an election.

Before we continue, it is very possible Donald Trump shat his pants during a golf game. And he really did like that cake. This shit actually happened.

Now picture, please, a monkey with a wrench.

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That bone will yield as much useful information as your average Google browse.

That’s all it takes to swing an election. This guy even got a law on the floor of the Colorado house.

In 2000, 14% of seniors of seniors (those 65 or older) used the internet. By 2012, the start of Barack Obama’s last term, that number had grown to 58%.

For Barack Obama, a president elected on the backs of the young voters, the internet was to his campaign what oxygen is to an astronaut: everything.

By the time Trump left his leather chair at The Apprentice, the number of senior voters with internet access had tripled: enough to swing an election.

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“Half of them don’t know what what the internet is.”

That caption is an actual quote, by the way. It was one local’s response to an attempt at state-sponsored internet in Florida. Something Estonia has had for years. An article confirmed by simply browsing multiple sources and arriving at the Guardian.

For the majority of voters, information gathering had changed in 2012. Ted Koppel was no longer your trusted voice; you had a machine with a screen and wifi access, and with that machine came a certain kind of magic; a blank line filled by a few keystrokes, and suddenly your field of view was full of information normally available only after a six-hour visit to the local library and a mind-numbing attempt at rational thought.

Suddenly, information came from a few dozen teenagers in Macedonia.

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No, really. This place is the reason you might lose your healthcare in the next three years.

It’s understandable. Voters 65 and over preferred Trump by an 8% margin. An elderly man accustomed to pushing two buttons on his remote would embrace his internet access with the same discretion: open Google, type in his interests, and see what the world has to say. Suddenly, a headline like FBI Agent Suspected in Hillary Email Leaks Found Dead in Apparent Murder-Suicide seems plausible.

75% of American’s buy this shit.

Tell an uneducated retiree the world is crumbling, and that all he needs to do to save it is hit the polling booth for the first time in decades, and for the first time in decades, vote he will.

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He’ll save us from a world in which Dora The Explorer is our biggest problem.

75% of American’s think the Chicago Cub’s World Series ring was stolen. 75% of American’s think Donald Trump allowed a picture of his shit-soaked pants to circulate the internet without response.

75% of Americans are idiots.

75% of Americans are making a Macedonian teen’s dreams come true.

And all the while, the Irish are eating babies.

Trump Has Diarrhea During Golf Game

Trump Has Diarrhea During Golf Game

Florida – President Trump had a little accident on the golf course today, and no, and wasn’t politically. After a large brunch of eggs, bacon, ham, pheasant, roast beef, elk, and a variety of sausage, Trump had a case of diarrhea while playing the 5th hole of his back nine.

Continue reading “Trump Has Diarrhea During Golf Game”