President Trump is on his first foreign trip as leader of the free world, he’ll also be riding free since he forgot to pack his underwear on the week-long trip that includes a speech in Saudi Arabia. There is no word if he plans to stop in France. Continue reading “Trump Forgot To Pack Underwear For First Big Foreign Trip”
Says Spicer, “They start fires under the White House, and then they blame the fake media.”
The dumpster was said to be loaded with material in “the Russian language.”
Emergency vehicles rushed to Joe’s Steakhouse, hurrying patrons from the 15th & H Street restaurant. Within hours, the flame had spread to the White House grounds and building itself.
“I thought there must have been a bomb, maybe,” said one patron. “But then one firefighter hustles in and grabs the fire extinguisher off the wall.”
FBI were next on the scene. An investigator, who insisted on remaining anonymous, reports “a big blaze from the trumpster (sic) out back. There were papers scattered everywhere, a few cases of cassette tapes. Most of it we’re going to have to bring a translator in to deal with, but I’ve read my Tolstoy, and that sh*t was definitely going on too long and with too many details. Definitely some Ruskie bullsh*t.”
Investigators report numerous cartons of Russian-language paperwork and “more 8-tracks than a late-seventies high school reunion.”
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer responded, “I don’t know about the cassettes – do you know about the cassettes? – and there’s not much I don’t know about, there’s not much the President doesn’t know about.”
Trump corrected Spicer, saying, “I know a lot. I’m like, a smart person. But anyone starting a fire that close to nukes – did you know there’s nukes, there is nuclear missiles under the blank house, under the White House, and you want to start a fire? And you want to start a fire? That to me, that’s what Democrats do, they start fires under white houses, and then they blame the fake media.”
The White House was evacuated a few hours after the dumpster fire was extinguished. Sean Spicer was reported to have left the scene embarrassed and in tears. Regional fake news reports no casualties, but a severe spike in local hubris for sharing the story.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions established a secret Drug Patrol Task Force whose mission violates the constitution at every corner. The group also has a rubber stamp for any immediate warrants they want, without a judge ever hearing reasoning. Sessions says, “It’s okay because it will keep our children safe,” and that “the President approved the group.” Continue reading “Jeff Session Creates Secret Drug Task Force”
The dominos continue to fall at Fox News with the firing of news pundit Sean Hannity after dozens of sexual harassment complaints came to light from both women and men. The company was quick to act and didn’t hesitate after dealing with disgraced pundit Bill O’Reilly and Roger Ailes.
Hannity responded to the male allegation as “two men playing in the locker, naked, and wiping each other with towels. All heterosexual middle-aged men do this. I do it in my male exclusive gym all the time.”
Hannity will walk away with $7.8 million.
Tucker Carlson took over Bill O’Reilly time slot and Waters World is rumored to fill in Hannity.
“It is terrible what the media and these women did to this great American patriot. Disgusting,” said Trump. “It total reverse racism, I mean sexism. That’s what it is and every voter knows that.” Continue reading “Trump Hires Bill O’Reilly As White House Adviser”
After a failed missile launch in North Korea last week, their leader Kim Jong-un ordered the execution of 267 rocket scientists.
Many of the rocket scientists instantly knew when the missile blew up on the launch pad that repercussions were coming to them and their families. Dozens tried to flee to China but their passports were revoked.
To be a rocket scientist in North Korea comes with perks in a country where perks are rare for any level of person outside of the royal family. Even family members have seen the wrong side of a anti-aircraft gun.
The decision also seems irrational because the country can only produce 200 scientists per year, of which, only 10 will make it to the rocket program. So the hastily move could set back the program 6-8 months.
The number 267 was estimated by determining by satellite images showing half the rocket scientist parking lot has been empty.
Outsiders are confused because the country needs all the rocket scientists they can get. The counties schools produce only 400 scientists a year.
That’s all it takes to swing an election.
Now picture, please, a monkey with a wrench.
That’s all it takes to swing an election. This guy even got a law on the floor of the Colorado house.
In 2000, 14% of seniors of seniors (those 65 or older) used the internet. By 2012, the start of Barack Obama’s last term, that number had grown to 58%.
For Barack Obama, a president elected on the backs of the young voters, the internet was to his campaign what oxygen is to an astronaut: everything.
By the time Trump left his leather chair at The Apprentice, the number of senior voters with internet access had tripled: enough to swing an election.
That caption is an actual quote, by the way. It was one local’s response to an attempt at state-sponsored internet in Florida. Something Estonia has had for years. An article confirmed by simply browsing multiple sources and arriving at the Guardian.
For the majority of voters, information gathering had changed in 2012. Ted Koppel was no longer your trusted voice; you had a machine with a screen and wifi access, and with that machine came a certain kind of magic; a blank line filled by a few keystrokes, and suddenly your field of view was full of information normally available only after a six-hour visit to the local library and a mind-numbing attempt at rational thought.
Suddenly, information came from a few dozen teenagers in Macedonia.
It’s understandable. Voters 65 and over preferred Trump by an 8% margin. An elderly man accustomed to pushing two buttons on his remote would embrace his internet access with the same discretion: open Google, type in his interests, and see what the world has to say. Suddenly, a headline like FBI Agent Suspected in Hillary Email Leaks Found Dead in Apparent Murder-Suicide seems plausible.
Tell an uneducated retiree the world is crumbling, and that all he needs to do to save it is hit the polling booth for the first time in decades, and for the first time in decades, vote he will.
75% of American’s think the Chicago Cub’s World Series ring was stolen. 75% of American’s think Donald Trump allowed a picture of his shit-soaked pants to circulate the internet without response.
75% of Americans are idiots.
75% of Americans are making a Macedonian teen’s dreams come true.
And all the while, the Irish are eating babies.
Chicago – Oscar Munoz, the CEO of United Airlines, has been in hot water after a man was forcibly removed from a plane at O’Hare International Airport. The company initially bumbled their apology to the paying company and the stock has lost over $800 million in market value. But the CEO had another fire to extinguish. Continue reading “United Airlines CEO’s House Robbed”
After a disturbing video emerged showing Chicago police removing a passenger against his will. To help stop the bleeding, American swimmer Ryan Lochte, has landed a deal to promote United Airlines. They are using the slogan: “Give Us A 5th Chance.” The deal is over 4 years through the 2020 Olympics in Japan and is worth $25 million. Continue reading “Ryan Lochte Lands Sponsorship Deal With United Airlines”
Trump Has Diarrhea During Golf Game
Florida – President Trump had a little accident on the golf course today, and no, and wasn’t politically. After a large brunch of eggs, bacon, ham, pheasant, roast beef, elk, and a variety of sausage, Trump had a case of diarrhea while playing the 5th hole of his back nine.
After engagement rumors last week, actress Olivia Munn has broken up Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers telling People Magazine, “I don’t date losers.” Continue reading “Olivia Munn Breaks Up With Aaron Rodgers: “I Don’t Date Losers””
A 30-foot radius felt the gas attack from Chris Christie. Victims were sent to the hospital after vomiting and eye bleeding began just seconds after the exposure to the gas. Continue reading “Chris Christie ‘Gasses’ Himself”
In new Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) findings, they determined that average Los Angeles tap water contains 18% Xanax and 7% oxycodone. Continue reading “Los Angeles Tap Water Contains 18% Xanax and 7% OxyCodone”
President Trump met with Egyptian leaders to discuss safety, terrorism, and economic opportunities. Trump asked if “you guys still build those pyramids?” Continue reading “Trump in Egypt: “You Guys Still Build Those Pyramids?””
California citizens voted in 1996 to legalize the use of medicinal marijuana. This movement helped lead the growth of other states reforming their policy towards a weed that grows in the ground.
California citizens voted in 1996 to legalize the use of medicinal marijuana. This movement helped lead the growth of other states reforming their policy towards a weed that grows in the ground. California has kept medical records since 1996 and now the United States Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, wants the states complete list. Continue reading “Jeff Sessions Demands California’s Medical Marijuana Patient List”