Alabama Requires Birth Certificate To Use Public Bathroom

Alabama is the first country to enact insane bathroom laws. You must show your birth certificate to one of thousands bathroom police in order to use the facility. Continue reading “Alabama Requires Birth Certificate To Use Public Bathroom”

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JEFF SESSIONS FIRED: Returns to office to find Trump’s sock on door knob

That’s how Trump fires people. He hands them a sock and shows them the door.

Less than an hour after finishing his awkward Congressional testimony, Attorney General discovered the size five foot sock suspended from his office door.

“It took a couple hours to figure out what was happening,” said one aide. “Looking at the size of the sock, every one assumed Melania must have left it as a happy birthday gift.

“She’s had trouble finding her husbands office,” the aide clarified.

It wasn’t long before the signal became clear; Session’s efforts, declared Trump, were no longer required.

“That’s how Trump does it,” said one long-time assistance. “He fires people the way his father fired the maid. Hands them an article of clothing and expects them to find the door.”

Confusion filled the office when an extra-large pair of Fruit of the Loom briefs were found slung over Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office chair. Upon inspection, it was determined that the size did not accord with Trump’s own undergarments. Mueller has since been allowed to keep his job until adequate support for his brass balls can be found.

LEAKED NASA MEMO: Trump could turn Alien First Contact into Interstellar War

Trump keeps asking, “How are the alien tacos? I know you know where they cook. Taco Bell? Taco Bell is tremendous.”

And the leaks keep coming.

A memo between NASA Administrator Robert Lightfoot, Jr. and lead researcher at the SETI Institute Seth Shostack (the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) has been recovered.

In it, Lightfoot, Jr. relates how ICE agents continually parade about asking how “things are going.” Several requests have been issued for Lisa Nowak’s diaper.

Astronaut Lisa Nowak was arrested in 2007 on charges of attempted kidnapping after through several states wearing an adult diaper.

“I can hear them muttering about how that’s ‘inhuman bullshit,’ and then somebody snickers at the bullshit line. They want DNA tests. They don’t think she’s human, much less American. I keep telling them to talk to the FBI if they want that kind of evidence.

“When I tell them to talk to the FBI, they all get nervous.”

Shostack’s response was included in the leaked memo.

“I know what you mean. It’s all about how Trump is convinced we’ve made contact with extraterrestrials. He keeps sending us emails about “how are the alien tacos? I know you know where they cook. Taco Bell? It’s Taco Bell. Taco Bell is tremendous. Steve is going to come down and take a look.

“And now the ICE guys want to know where we plan on meeting them. They’ve got a whole bulletin board set up down here on extreme vetting for different planets.

“I guess Mars gets a pass. One of the immigration agents said it was red enough.”