JEFF SESSIONS FIRED: Returns to office to find Trump’s sock on door knob

That’s how Trump fires people. He hands them a sock and shows them the door.

Less than an hour after finishing his awkward Congressional testimony, Attorney General discovered the size five foot sock suspended from his office door.

“It took a couple hours to figure out what was happening,” said one aide. “Looking at the size of the sock, every one assumed Melania must have left it as a happy birthday gift.

“She’s had trouble finding her husbands office,” the aide clarified.

It wasn’t long before the signal became clear; Session’s efforts, declared Trump, were no longer required.

“That’s how Trump does it,” said one long-time assistance. “He fires people the way his father fired the maid. Hands them an article of clothing and expects them to find the door.”

Confusion filled the office when an extra-large pair of Fruit of the Loom briefs were found slung over Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office chair. Upon inspection, it was determined that the size did not accord with Trump’s own undergarments. Mueller has since been allowed to keep his job until adequate support for his brass balls can be found.

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Trump and Syria Join Forces to Fight PARIS

“We must defeat PARIS at all costs,” said Trump. “And we are happy to be on the side of Syria, how great is that? Continue reading “Trump and Syria Join Forces to Fight PARIS”

LEAKED NASA MEMO: Trump could turn Alien First Contact into Interstellar War

Trump keeps asking, “How are the alien tacos? I know you know where they cook. Taco Bell? Taco Bell is tremendous.”

And the leaks keep coming.

A memo between NASA Administrator Robert Lightfoot, Jr. and lead researcher at the SETI Institute Seth Shostack (the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) has been recovered.

In it, Lightfoot, Jr. relates how ICE agents continually parade about asking how “things are going.” Several requests have been issued for Lisa Nowak’s diaper.

Astronaut Lisa Nowak was arrested in 2007 on charges of attempted kidnapping after through several states wearing an adult diaper.

“I can hear them muttering about how that’s ‘inhuman bullshit,’ and then somebody snickers at the bullshit line. They want DNA tests. They don’t think she’s human, much less American. I keep telling them to talk to the FBI if they want that kind of evidence.

“When I tell them to talk to the FBI, they all get nervous.”

Shostack’s response was included in the leaked memo.

“I know what you mean. It’s all about how Trump is convinced we’ve made contact with extraterrestrials. He keeps sending us emails about “how are the alien tacos? I know you know where they cook. Taco Bell? It’s Taco Bell. Taco Bell is tremendous. Steve is going to come down and take a look.

“And now the ICE guys want to know where we plan on meeting them. They’ve got a whole bulletin board set up down here on extreme vetting for different planets.

“I guess Mars gets a pass. One of the immigration agents said it was red enough.”

 

Trump Forgot To Pack Underwear For First Big Foreign Trip

President Trump is on his first foreign trip as leader of the free world, he’ll also be riding free since he forgot to pack his underwear on the week-long trip that includes a speech in Saudi Arabia. There is no word if he plans to stop in France. Continue reading “Trump Forgot To Pack Underwear For First Big Foreign Trip”

The Problem Isn’t Fake News. It’s Idiots With the Internet.

That’s all it takes to swing an election.

Before we continue, it is very possible Donald Trump shat his pants during a golf game. And he really did like that cake. This shit actually happened.

Now picture, please, a monkey with a wrench.

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That bone will yield as much useful information as your average Google browse.

That’s all it takes to swing an election. This guy even got a law on the floor of the Colorado house.

In 2000, 14% of seniors of seniors (those 65 or older) used the internet. By 2012, the start of Barack Obama’s last term, that number had grown to 58%.

For Barack Obama, a president elected on the backs of the young voters, the internet was to his campaign what oxygen is to an astronaut: everything.

By the time Trump left his leather chair at The Apprentice, the number of senior voters with internet access had tripled: enough to swing an election.

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“Half of them don’t know what what the internet is.”

That caption is an actual quote, by the way. It was one local’s response to an attempt at state-sponsored internet in Florida. Something Estonia has had for years. An article confirmed by simply browsing multiple sources and arriving at the Guardian.

For the majority of voters, information gathering had changed in 2012. Ted Koppel was no longer your trusted voice; you had a machine with a screen and wifi access, and with that machine came a certain kind of magic; a blank line filled by a few keystrokes, and suddenly your field of view was full of information normally available only after a six-hour visit to the local library and a mind-numbing attempt at rational thought.

Suddenly, information came from a few dozen teenagers in Macedonia.

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No, really. This place is the reason you might lose your healthcare in the next three years.

It’s understandable. Voters 65 and over preferred Trump by an 8% margin. An elderly man accustomed to pushing two buttons on his remote would embrace his internet access with the same discretion: open Google, type in his interests, and see what the world has to say. Suddenly, a headline like FBI Agent Suspected in Hillary Email Leaks Found Dead in Apparent Murder-Suicide seems plausible.

75% of American’s buy this shit.

Tell an uneducated retiree the world is crumbling, and that all he needs to do to save it is hit the polling booth for the first time in decades, and for the first time in decades, vote he will.

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He’ll save us from a world in which Dora The Explorer is our biggest problem.

75% of American’s think the Chicago Cub’s World Series ring was stolen. 75% of American’s think Donald Trump allowed a picture of his shit-soaked pants to circulate the internet without response.

75% of Americans are idiots.

75% of Americans are making a Macedonian teen’s dreams come true.

And all the while, the Irish are eating babies.

Trump Has Diarrhea During Golf Game

Trump Has Diarrhea During Golf Game

Florida – President Trump had a little accident on the golf course today, and no, and wasn’t politically. After a large brunch of eggs, bacon, ham, pheasant, roast beef, elk, and a variety of sausage, Trump had a case of diarrhea while playing the 5th hole of his back nine.

Continue reading “Trump Has Diarrhea During Golf Game”

An English YouTuber & Worms Armageddon Predicted Trump’s Rise Months Before the Experts (Video)

If only we’d paid attention.

Hilarious Let’s Play YouTuber Many A True Nerd unleashed a barrel of worms with bazooka’s in an AI match and successfully called the US Election as far back as March, 2016. If only we’d paid attention.

Time Magazine Meets Devil Trump, and He’s Horny

This is hardly the strangest thing that’s happened to Trump when engaged with a graphic designer.

Time Magazine claims the M-Shaped horns over 2016’s Person of the Year, Donald Trump, are entirely coincidental. But then there is this…

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Of course, this is a recurring theme. But that’s no reason not to embrace the devilish meme, and this is hardly the strangest thing that’s happened to Trump when he’s been engaged with a graphic designer:

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Says Wired, “If you thought Hey! That looks kind of NSFW! you’re not alone. ‘Yeah, that’s weird,’ says graphic designer Armin Vit, who runs the logo criticism blog Brand New. ‘I mean it’s not—it’s not subtle at all. It’s a ‘T’ penetrating a ‘P.’ There’s no way around it. And we’re human. We’re inclined to find humor in things. So we see a sex act.'”

It’s clear: Donald Trump is a horny man.

Family Guy Saw the Clinton-Trump Fiasco Coming Fifteen Years Ago (Video)

You can’t help but see the similarities.

Just three weeks after The Simpson’s famed “Bart to the Future” episode, Family Guy released “Running Mates.” In it, Peter Griffin decides to run against his extremely qualified wife, Lois, for School Board President, and for no other reason than he was told he couldn’t win.

Of course, he finds himself elected.

In the clip below, Lois berates the idea of voting for someone so unqualified. You can’t help but see the similarities.

Check the full episode on Hulu.

Watch Fiona Apple Sing “Trump’s Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire” (Video)

Everybody knows that money and entitlement can help to make the season white.

Everybody knows that money and entitlement can help to make the season white.

USA Vs. China: Who Would (Or Will) Win?

“How would a war between these two superpowers go?”

With Donald Trump seemingly hellbent on destroying a half-century of diplomacy within his first few months as President, now is the time to share Binkov’s Battleground’s latest video.

Says Binkov, “How would a war between these two superpowers go? Whose navy and air force has the upper hand? Would it turn into a ground war? Watch to find out!”