Yale Students Protest Over Offensive ‘Valentine Day’ Roses

Yale students are protesting over flowers. Yes, flowers. Some students found the roses offensive because they were placed in the Student Union without the consent of the student body.

Tiffany Flanders, sophomore, told the Yale Gazette, “I’m totally offended they would just put flowers in plain sight for everyone to see and smell. Do they not care about our feelings? Not everyone has a boyfriend or girlfriend.

“This is part of a pattern of disrespect from the school to the students. The Student Union is supposed to be a safe place, not a place where the school can come in and place flowers wherever they please. It’s our place but now I’m afraid to go there because of the roses.

“One of my friends has a very mild sensitivity to white roses and I had to witness her sneeze four times in a row. It was terrifying. Now she has to sit two chairs away so she won’t sneeze. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen happen to anyone.”  

A variety of flower bouquets were placed around the student union. There were plenty of roses for Valentine’s Day. There was also an assortment of spring bouquets with anemones, carnations, and daffodils.

“They put roses in all the vases. How dare they!” said the angry Flanders. “How do they know if everyone on campus is comfortable with roses? They just assumed it’s okay to put roses wherever they damn well pleased because it was Valentine’s Day. We weren’t notified and certainly didn’t get to vote on whether roses would be placed in the student union. They didn’t even bother to ask us our opinion on roses. It’s so disrespectful.”
Yale Club For Wussies

Yale University school administrators were shocked by the student’s outrage over the placement of roses in the student center to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

Administrator Tom Bundy told the Gazette, “They are only flowers. We thought it would be nice to lighten up the room with fresh flowers during the cold winter and for Valentine’s Day. We do this every year but never had students protested over it.

“In my twenty-five years of education, never in my wildest dreams would I think students would protest over flowers simply because we didn’t ask them for permission. I’m speechless.  

“I’m getting hate mail, death threats, and other unsavory threats unless we remove the flowers.”

The flowers were to be removed Tuesday anyway because of their shelf life, so they are continuing that plan.

“I can’t believe I need to apologize for this,” said Bundy. “I’m sorry for providing free roses. It just sounds funny but sure isn’t a joke.”

Yale got in trouble year’s this year for not properly censoring Halloween costumes.

Hollywood Only Down To 999,997 Worst Kept Secrets

After Harvey Weinstein’s obvious “secret” came out, Hollywood publicists scramble to keep the other 999,997 terrible “secrets” out of non-Hollywood circles.

“The only point to be an agent is to fuck hot chicks.” – Hollywood agent “Or young boys, whatever you’re into.”

“For us ugly, ugly producers, it’s just better to pay for sex through an escort service, that way no one gets hurt. We get sex and they get paid in cash or bitcoin.” – Hollywood producer

Twitter Almost Banned Trump For Life In 2011

An internal Twitter memo surfaced recently talking about how Donald Trump was almost banned from Twitter in 2011 after a series of inappropriate messages and tweets that violated the Terms of Use Agreement but after a lot of complaining and threatening lawsuits, Twitter reinstated Trump’s account after a few hours.

The discussion came after Trump’s threatening attacks on then President Obama and an additional dozen complaints from women who said they were being harassed. They blocked him because of the unwanted messages which also breaks the social medias Terms of Use Agreement. To make it worse, he had followers harass the women after he could no longer make contact.

One woman said, “It was terrible. Then thousands of jerks came out of the woodwork to harass us after they were commanded to.

“It was the worst year of my life.”

Twitter didn’t take the decision lightly. It was also a turbulent time for the company, which is all the time, and they didn’t want to be seen as censoring or being unkind to its users.“If we had banned him from the service, he wouldn’t be president today.”  

JEFF SESSIONS FIRED: Returns to office to find Trump’s sock on door knob

That’s how Trump fires people. He hands them a sock and shows them the door.

Less than an hour after finishing his awkward Congressional testimony, Attorney General discovered the size five foot sock suspended from his office door.

“It took a couple hours to figure out what was happening,” said one aide. “Looking at the size of the sock, every one assumed Melania must have left it as a happy birthday gift.

“She’s had trouble finding her husbands office,” the aide clarified.

It wasn’t long before the signal became clear; Session’s efforts, declared Trump, were no longer required.

“That’s how Trump does it,” said one long-time assistance. “He fires people the way his father fired the maid. Hands them an article of clothing and expects them to find the door.”

Confusion filled the office when an extra-large pair of Fruit of the Loom briefs were found slung over Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office chair. Upon inspection, it was determined that the size did not accord with Trump’s own undergarments. Mueller has since been allowed to keep his job until adequate support for his brass balls can be found.

Trump Made Up Story About Barron’s Reaction To Kathy Griffin Photo

A recent photoshoot with Kathy Griffin was met with harsh criticism for holding a bloody Trump head with a stern look on her face. It turns out, Trump made-up the story as Barron said, “I thought it was Ronald McDonald.”

Steve Bannon, Trump’s top political adviser, and former Breitbart editor, then wrote a story about how Barron thought the picture was real and how to distribute the propaganda.

Barron was offended that people questioned his intelligence. “I’m not dumb, I’m a New Yorker,” said Barron. “I’ve seen much, much worse things on the internet. I thought it was Ronald McDonald, which I didn’t like because I like chicken nuggets.”

The Trump administration tried to twist the situation to help Donald Trump politically, and it has worked. It hasn’t worked on Barron, “I’m already as smart as my father.”

Trump: “Kathy Griffin Is Big Meanie, A Nasty Big Meanie, Very Bigley” 

“It’s very, very mean of her. No president has ever been treated so badly,” said Trump. “Why are comedians doing political comedy. They didn’t do satire or political comedy until I won an election they lost badly.”

57 million people voted for Democrat Hillary Clinton and 54 million people voted for Republican Donald Trump. Hillary won over 3 million more votes. Trump won the electoral college by roughly 75,000 votes across 5 counties in 3 different states.

Sean Spicer threw a tantrum at the media after the President refused to hold a single press conference during his recent 11-day foreign trip, the first to refuse the media request since 1913, mostly because of the First World War, after a comedian did a photo shoot. How does a 71-year-old man become offended by a photo shoot? Nobody knows but the supposed billionaire seems to be skin free.

Griffin was fired from the annual New Year’s Eve CNN program.

Zelda Game Coming To PlayStation 4

Tokyo – Nintendo shocked the video game world when they announced The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, will be released by competitor Sony on the PlayStation 4. This is the first Nintendo game on a competitor’s video game console ever. Analysts predict it could sell an additional 30 million units which would generate an extra $2.1 billion in revenue. Continue reading “Zelda Game Coming To PlayStation 4”

LEAKED NASA MEMO: Trump could turn Alien First Contact into Interstellar War

Trump keeps asking, “How are the alien tacos? I know you know where they cook. Taco Bell? Taco Bell is tremendous.”

And the leaks keep coming.

A memo between NASA Administrator Robert Lightfoot, Jr. and lead researcher at the SETI Institute Seth Shostack (the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) has been recovered.

In it, Lightfoot, Jr. relates how ICE agents continually parade about asking how “things are going.” Several requests have been issued for Lisa Nowak’s diaper.

Astronaut Lisa Nowak was arrested in 2007 on charges of attempted kidnapping after through several states wearing an adult diaper.

“I can hear them muttering about how that’s ‘inhuman bullshit,’ and then somebody snickers at the bullshit line. They want DNA tests. They don’t think she’s human, much less American. I keep telling them to talk to the FBI if they want that kind of evidence.

“When I tell them to talk to the FBI, they all get nervous.”

Shostack’s response was included in the leaked memo.

“I know what you mean. It’s all about how Trump is convinced we’ve made contact with extraterrestrials. He keeps sending us emails about “how are the alien tacos? I know you know where they cook. Taco Bell? It’s Taco Bell. Taco Bell is tremendous. Steve is going to come down and take a look.

“And now the ICE guys want to know where we plan on meeting them. They’ve got a whole bulletin board set up down here on extreme vetting for different planets.

“I guess Mars gets a pass. One of the immigration agents said it was red enough.”


Sean Hannity Out At Fox News After Sexual Harassment Claims Revealed

The dominos continue to fall at Fox News with the firing of news pundit Sean Hannity after dozens of sexual harassment complaints came to light from both women and men. The company was quick to act and didn’t hesitate after dealing with disgraced pundit Bill O’Reilly and Roger Ailes.

Hannity responded to the male allegation as “two men playing in the locker, naked, and wiping each other with towels. All heterosexual middle-aged men do this. I do it in my male exclusive gym all the time.”

Hannity will walk away with $7.8 million.

Tucker Carlson took over Bill O’Reilly time slot and Waters World is rumored to fill in Hannity.

Trump Hires Bill O’Reilly As White House Adviser

“It is terrible what the media and these women did to this great American patriot. Disgusting,” said Trump. “It total reverse racism, I mean sexism. That’s what it is and every voter knows that.” Continue reading “Trump Hires Bill O’Reilly As White House Adviser”

United Airlines CEO’s House Robbed

Chicago –  Oscar Munoz, the CEO of United Airlines, has been in hot water after a man was forcibly removed from a plane at O’Hare International Airport. The company initially bumbled their apology to the paying company and the stock has lost over $800 million in market value. But the CEO had another fire to extinguish. Continue reading “United Airlines CEO’s House Robbed”

McDonald’s Brings Back Szechwan Sauce After Rick and Morty Segment

The long-awaited cartoon show Rick and Marty played on a loop during April Fools Day. In the episode, Rick, in a memory from 1998, goes through a McDonald’s drive-thru and ordered chicken nuggets with “as much szechuan sauce you can possibly give me.” Continue reading “McDonald’s Brings Back Szechwan Sauce After Rick and Morty Segment”