Trump Hires Bill O’Reilly As White House Adviser

“It is terrible what the media and these women did to this great American patriot. Disgusting,” said Trump. “It total reverse racism, I mean sexism. That’s what it is and every voter knows that.” Continue reading “Trump Hires Bill O’Reilly As White House Adviser”

Kim Jong-un Executes 267 Rocket Scientists

After a failed missile launch in North Korea last week, their leader Kim Jong-un ordered the execution of 267 rocket scientists.  

Many of the rocket scientists instantly knew when the missile blew up on the launch pad that repercussions were coming to them and their families. Dozens tried to flee to China but their passports were revoked.

To be a rocket scientist in North Korea comes with perks in a country where perks are rare for any level of person outside of the royal family. Even family members have seen the wrong side of a anti-aircraft gun.

The decision also seems irrational because the country can only produce 200 scientists per year, of which, only 10 will make it to the rocket program. So the hastily move could set back the program 6-8 months.

The number 267 was estimated by determining by satellite images showing half the rocket scientist parking lot has been empty.

Outsiders are confused because the country needs all the rocket scientists they can get. The counties schools produce only 400 scientists a year.

The Problem Isn’t Fake News. It’s Idiots With the Internet.

That’s all it takes to swing an election.

Before we continue, it is very possible Donald Trump shat his pants during a golf game. And he really did like that cake. This shit actually happened.

Now picture, please, a monkey with a wrench.

That bone will yield as much useful information as your average Google browse.

That’s all it takes to swing an election. This guy even got a law on the floor of the Colorado house.

In 2000, 14% of seniors of seniors (those 65 or older) used the internet. By 2012, the start of Barack Obama’s last term, that number had grown to 58%.

For Barack Obama, a president elected on the backs of the young voters, the internet was to his campaign what oxygen is to an astronaut: everything.

By the time Trump left his leather chair at The Apprentice, the number of senior voters with internet access had tripled: enough to swing an election.

“Half of them don’t know what what the internet is.”

That caption is an actual quote, by the way. It was one local’s response to an attempt at state-sponsored internet in Florida. Something Estonia has had for years. An article confirmed by simply browsing multiple sources and arriving at the Guardian.

For the majority of voters, information gathering had changed in 2012. Ted Koppel was no longer your trusted voice; you had a machine with a screen and wifi access, and with that machine came a certain kind of magic; a blank line filled by a few keystrokes, and suddenly your field of view was full of information normally available only after a six-hour visit to the local library and a mind-numbing attempt at rational thought.

Suddenly, information came from a few dozen teenagers in Macedonia.

No, really. This place is the reason you might lose your healthcare in the next three years.

It’s understandable. Voters 65 and over preferred Trump by an 8% margin. An elderly man accustomed to pushing two buttons on his remote would embrace his internet access with the same discretion: open Google, type in his interests, and see what the world has to say. Suddenly, a headline like FBI Agent Suspected in Hillary Email Leaks Found Dead in Apparent Murder-Suicide seems plausible.

75% of American’s buy this shit.

Tell an uneducated retiree the world is crumbling, and that all he needs to do to save it is hit the polling booth for the first time in decades, and for the first time in decades, vote he will.

He’ll save us from a world in which Dora The Explorer is our biggest problem.

75% of American’s think the Chicago Cub’s World Series ring was stolen. 75% of American’s think Donald Trump allowed a picture of his shit-soaked pants to circulate the internet without response.

75% of Americans are idiots.

75% of Americans are making a Macedonian teen’s dreams come true.

And all the while, the Irish are eating babies.

United Airlines CEO’s House Robbed

Chicago –  Oscar Munoz, the CEO of United Airlines, has been in hot water after a man was forcibly removed from a plane at O’Hare International Airport. The company initially bumbled their apology to the paying company and the stock has lost over $800 million in market value. But the CEO had another fire to extinguish. Continue reading “United Airlines CEO’s House Robbed”

Ryan Lochte Lands Sponsorship Deal With United Airlines

After a disturbing video emerged showing Chicago police removing a passenger against his will. To help stop the bleeding, American swimmer Ryan Lochte, has landed a deal to promote United Airlines. They are using the slogan: “Give Us A 5th Chance.” The deal is over 4 years through the 2020 Olympics in Japan and is worth $25 million. Continue reading “Ryan Lochte Lands Sponsorship Deal With United Airlines”

Trump Has Diarrhea During Golf Game

Trump Has Diarrhea During Golf Game

Florida – President Trump had a little accident on the golf course today, and no, and wasn’t politically. After a large brunch of eggs, bacon, ham, pheasant, roast beef, elk, and a variety of sausage, Trump had a case of diarrhea while playing the 5th hole of his back nine.

Continue reading “Trump Has Diarrhea During Golf Game”

McDonald’s Brings Back Szechwan Sauce After Rick and Morty Segment

The long-awaited cartoon show Rick and Marty played on a loop during April Fools Day. In the episode, Rick, in a memory from 1998, goes through a McDonald’s drive-thru and ordered chicken nuggets with “as much szechuan sauce you can possibly give me.” Continue reading “McDonald’s Brings Back Szechwan Sauce After Rick and Morty Segment”

Jeff Sessions Demands California’s Medical Marijuana Patient List

California citizens voted in 1996 to legalize the use of medicinal marijuana. This movement helped lead the growth of other states reforming their policy towards a weed that grows in the ground.

California citizens voted in 1996 to legalize the use of medicinal marijuana. This movement helped lead the growth of other states reforming their policy towards a weed that grows in the ground. California has kept medical records since 1996 and now the United States Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, wants the states complete list. Continue reading “Jeff Sessions Demands California’s Medical Marijuana Patient List”

Sarah Palin Has Been Receiving Meals On Wheels For Past 17 Years

According to the New York Times, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin has been receiving Meals on Wheels because of a fraudulent document for the past 17 years. Continue reading “Sarah Palin Has Been Receiving Meals On Wheels For Past 17 Years”

An English YouTuber & Worms Armageddon Predicted Trump’s Rise Months Before the Experts (Video)

If only we’d paid attention.

Hilarious Let’s Play YouTuber Many A True Nerd unleashed a barrel of worms with bazooka’s in an AI match and successfully called the US Election as far back as March, 2016. If only we’d paid attention.