Trump Wants To Clone Himself Into A Baby

News of a Chinese doctor’s claim of cloning a baby has Trump thinking. Continue reading “Trump Wants To Clone Himself Into A Baby”

Yale Students Protest Over Offensive ‘Valentine Day’ Roses

Yale students are protesting over flowers. Yes, flowers. Some students found the roses offensive because they were placed in the Student Union without the consent of the student body.

Tiffany Flanders, sophomore, told the Yale Gazette, “I’m totally offended they would just put flowers in plain sight for everyone to see and smell. Do they not care about our feelings? Not everyone has a boyfriend or girlfriend.

“This is part of a pattern of disrespect from the school to the students. The Student Union is supposed to be a safe place, not a place where the school can come in and place flowers wherever they please. It’s our place but now I’m afraid to go there because of the roses.

“One of my friends has a very mild sensitivity to white roses and I had to witness her sneeze four times in a row. It was terrifying. Now she has to sit two chairs away so she won’t sneeze. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen happen to anyone.”  

A variety of flower bouquets were placed around the student union. There were plenty of roses for Valentine’s Day. There was also an assortment of spring bouquets with anemones, carnations, and daffodils.

“They put roses in all the vases. How dare they!” said the angry Flanders. “How do they know if everyone on campus is comfortable with roses? They just assumed it’s okay to put roses wherever they damn well pleased because it was Valentine’s Day. We weren’t notified and certainly didn’t get to vote on whether roses would be placed in the student union. They didn’t even bother to ask us our opinion on roses. It’s so disrespectful.”
Yale Club For Wussies

Yale University school administrators were shocked by the student’s outrage over the placement of roses in the student center to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

Administrator Tom Bundy told the Gazette, “They are only flowers. We thought it would be nice to lighten up the room with fresh flowers during the cold winter and for Valentine’s Day. We do this every year but never had students protested over it.

“In my twenty-five years of education, never in my wildest dreams would I think students would protest over flowers simply because we didn’t ask them for permission. I’m speechless.  

“I’m getting hate mail, death threats, and other unsavory threats unless we remove the flowers.”

The flowers were to be removed Tuesday anyway because of their shelf life, so they are continuing that plan.

“I can’t believe I need to apologize for this,” said Bundy. “I’m sorry for providing free roses. It just sounds funny but sure isn’t a joke.”

Yale got in trouble year’s this year for not properly censoring Halloween costumes.

Hollywood Only Down To 999,997 Worst Kept Secrets

After Harvey Weinstein’s obvious “secret” came out, Hollywood publicists scramble to keep the other 999,997 terrible “secrets” out of non-Hollywood circles.

“The only point to be an agent is to fuck hot chicks.” – Hollywood agent “Or young boys, whatever you’re into.”

“For us ugly, ugly producers, it’s just better to pay for sex through an escort service, that way no one gets hurt. We get sex and they get paid in cash or bitcoin.” – Hollywood producer

Eclipse Blinds Thousands Of Trump Fans After Not Believing Scientists

A rare eclipse crossed America Monday afternoon with thousands of Trump supporters out to prove scientists wrong.

Tom Harding, 42, of South Carolina went blind after staring at the sun after scientists warned it would permanently make you blind.   

“I wanted to prove the know it all scientists wrong,” said Harding. “Now I’m blind.”

He went to the hospital to find hundreds of other die-hard Trump supporters in line after occurring permanent blindness.

“It’s okay though, I can still hear Fox and my favorite conservative radio hosts.”  

Another victim of the eclipse said, “Big deal, so the scientists got one right, that means the next time they’ll be wrong and I’m glad to be part of it,” as he picked out a new walking stick. 

Why Isn’t Anyone Talking About Russia’s Ad Money Spent On Fake News?

Regular satire / fake news sites have a short half-life with their stories. They can go viral for a few days, that’s about it. The Russians spent millions on anti-Clinton stories targeting people in key swing counties perpetuating pedophile stories enough times until alt-right news outlets like Infowars picked them up for real which then creates a huge amplifying effect among dummies. 

For $20 million, Russia had more influence than the New York Times or Washinton Post. Putin is laughing at us while China takes notes.

It’s blatantly interfering in American Elections and now we are stuck with Trump.

Ivanka Trump Piloted Air Force One From Europe

After a bizarre G-20 Summit where Trump seemingly signaled the decline of US power and progressiveness and an unprecedented act of having your daughter fill in with a meeting of global leaders, Ivanka Trump piloted Air Force One for several hours over the Atlantic ocean. Continue reading “Ivanka Trump Piloted Air Force One From Europe”

Twitter Almost Banned Trump For Life In 2011

An internal Twitter memo surfaced recently talking about how Donald Trump was almost banned from Twitter in 2011 after a series of inappropriate messages and tweets that violated the Terms of Use Agreement but after a lot of complaining and threatening lawsuits, Twitter reinstated Trump’s account after a few hours.

The discussion came after Trump’s threatening attacks on then President Obama and an additional dozen complaints from women who said they were being harassed. They blocked him because of the unwanted messages which also breaks the social medias Terms of Use Agreement. To make it worse, he had followers harass the women after he could no longer make contact.

One woman said, “It was terrible. Then thousands of jerks came out of the woodwork to harass us after they were commanded to.

“It was the worst year of my life.”

Twitter didn’t take the decision lightly. It was also a turbulent time for the company, which is all the time, and they didn’t want to be seen as censoring or being unkind to its users.“If we had banned him from the service, he wouldn’t be president today.”