Trump Wants To Clone Himself Into A Baby

News of a Chinese doctor’s claim of cloning a baby has Trump thinking. Continue reading “Trump Wants To Clone Himself Into A Baby”

Trump: “Fake News Hurts More Than Getting Shot, Trust Me”

The President went on an epic rant this morning. “Fake news hurts more than getting shot, trust me.”

“I could shoot a man on 5th Avenue and not lose a vote.”

“Why didn’t Obama solve the gun problem when he had the chance? Fail.”

“The Democrats are so mean to me.”

“The Democrats are the meanest, I’m the nicest person ever!”

Yale Students Protest Over Offensive ‘Valentine Day’ Roses

Yale students are protesting over flowers. Yes, flowers. Some students found the roses offensive because they were placed in the Student Union without the consent of the student body.

Tiffany Flanders, sophomore, told the Yale Gazette, “I’m totally offended they would just put flowers in plain sight for everyone to see and smell. Do they not care about our feelings? Not everyone has a boyfriend or girlfriend.

“This is part of a pattern of disrespect from the school to the students. The Student Union is supposed to be a safe place, not a place where the school can come in and place flowers wherever they please. It’s our place but now I’m afraid to go there because of the roses.

“One of my friends has a very mild sensitivity to white roses and I had to witness her sneeze four times in a row. It was terrifying. Now she has to sit two chairs away so she won’t sneeze. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen happen to anyone.”  

A variety of flower bouquets were placed around the student union. There were plenty of roses for Valentine’s Day. There was also an assortment of spring bouquets with anemones, carnations, and daffodils.

“They put roses in all the vases. How dare they!” said the angry Flanders. “How do they know if everyone on campus is comfortable with roses? They just assumed it’s okay to put roses wherever they damn well pleased because it was Valentine’s Day. We weren’t notified and certainly didn’t get to vote on whether roses would be placed in the student union. They didn’t even bother to ask us our opinion on roses. It’s so disrespectful.”
Yale Club For Wussies

Yale University school administrators were shocked by the student’s outrage over the placement of roses in the student center to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

Administrator Tom Bundy told the Gazette, “They are only flowers. We thought it would be nice to lighten up the room with fresh flowers during the cold winter and for Valentine’s Day. We do this every year but never had students protested over it.

“In my twenty-five years of education, never in my wildest dreams would I think students would protest over flowers simply because we didn’t ask them for permission. I’m speechless.  

“I’m getting hate mail, death threats, and other unsavory threats unless we remove the flowers.”

The flowers were to be removed Tuesday anyway because of their shelf life, so they are continuing that plan.

“I can’t believe I need to apologize for this,” said Bundy. “I’m sorry for providing free roses. It just sounds funny but sure isn’t a joke.”

Yale got in trouble year’s this year for not properly censoring Halloween costumes.

Hollywood Only Down To 999,997 Worst Kept Secrets

After Harvey Weinstein’s obvious “secret” came out, Hollywood publicists scramble to keep the other 999,997 terrible “secrets” out of non-Hollywood circles.

“The only point to be an agent is to fuck hot chicks.” – Hollywood agent “Or young boys, whatever you’re into.”

“For us ugly, ugly producers, it’s just better to pay for sex through an escort service, that way no one gets hurt. We get sex and they get paid in cash or bitcoin.” – Hollywood producer

Trump Didn’t Know Why He Couldn’t Go To Mar-a-lago This Weekend

President Trump didn’t understand why he couldn’t play golf at his Mar-a-Lago estate this weekend with Hurricane Irma pounding the state.

He even threatened to fire a staffer who had the dubious task of telling the president ‘no’.

“The President doesn’t like the word ‘no’, he thinks it makes him look weak when all he wanted to do was play golf.” 

“He’ll be in a bad mood all weekend now.”

Eclipse Blinds Thousands Of Trump Fans After Not Believing Scientists

A rare eclipse crossed America Monday afternoon with thousands of Trump supporters out to prove scientists wrong.

Tom Harding, 42, of South Carolina went blind after staring at the sun after scientists warned it would permanently make you blind.   

“I wanted to prove the know it all scientists wrong,” said Harding. “Now I’m blind.”

He went to the hospital to find hundreds of other die-hard Trump supporters in line after occurring permanent blindness.

“It’s okay though, I can still hear Fox and my favorite conservative radio hosts.”  

Another victim of the eclipse said, “Big deal, so the scientists got one right, that means the next time they’ll be wrong and I’m glad to be part of it,” as he picked out a new walking stick.